Episode Notes
This is our letter to Ukraine. We hope that you find the comical satire in our letters and stay tuned for more letters to come.
Legal Disclaimer: The following letter is a work of satire and comedy. All names, events, and scenarios are fictionalized for humorous purposes and are not intended to be taken as factual statements.
READ THE LETTER – EPISODE 7 – Dear Ukraine
Dear Ukraine,
You’ve really done it.
You’ve managed to become the first country in modern history to receive hundreds of billions of dollars in global aid… and still somehow ask for more with a straight face.
That’s not a fundraising strategy—that’s an Olympic-level grift.
Don’t get us wrong—we’re all for helping people in need. War is tragic, lives are lost, and invasions are unacceptable. But after a few years of writing checks with more zeros than a bad crypto startup, we’re starting to wonder if maybe—just maybe—someone over there should be keeping receipts?
It’s impressive, really.
You’ve got world leaders treating your Venmo like a broken faucet. America alone has sent over $100 billion, and somehow, it’s still not enough. At this point, we’re not sure if we’re funding a war, rebuilding a country, or just buying Zelenskyy a new wardrobe of olive drab t-shirts.
Speaking of which, does he own anything else?
I mean, I get the “war-time president aesthetic,” but when your entire country is getting airlifted piles of cash while your leaders are on Vogue covers and world tours—it kind of starts to feel less like resistance and more like PR.
And then there’s the “where did the money go?” problem.
Because, apparently, no one knows.
Transparency?
Audit trails?
Accountability?
Pfft. Those are luxuries reserved for peasants.
In Ukraine, we send pallets of cash and hope for the best. It’s the geopolitical equivalent of wiring your cousin money because he “swears” he’ll pay you back after his rap career takes off.
Now, we would’ve asked Hunter Biden to help track it all down—he does have experience with Burisma, after all—but the last time he got involved in Ukraine, he ended up on a board, made millions, and still didn’t know what the company actually did.
So maybe not the best guy for oversight.
Look, Ukraine: we want peace. We want justice. We want people to be safe, and we want freedom to win. But we also want to know why our taxes are going to a place with no clear exit strategy, no spending accountability, and the kind of financial records that would make FTX look like a Fortune 500 company.
So, if it’s not too much trouble, maybe before you ask for another $60 billion, you could let us know where the last $60 billion went?
Or at least send us a postcard. Preferably not from a newly renovated penthouse in Kyiv.
Sincerely Savage,
The Taxpayers Who Are Starting to Feel Like the Side Character in a Cold War Reboot
P.S. If you’re going to spend U.S. funds on influencer marketing, can we at least get Zelenskyy to start a YouTube channel? Title it “Unboxing Another Billion.” It’d be a hit.
Legal Disclaimer: The following letter is a work of satire and comedy. All names, events, and scenarios are fictionalized for humorous purposes and are not intended to be taken as factual statements.
