Episode Notes
This is our letter to CNN. We hope that you find the comical satire in our letters and stay tuned for more letters to come.
Legal Disclaimer: The following letter is a work of satire and comedy. All names, events, and scenarios are fictionalized for humorous purposes and are not intended to be taken as factual statements.
READ THE LETTER – EPISODE 5 – Dear CNN
Dear CNN (a.k.a. the Chicken Noodle Network, or “Constantly Narrating Nonsense”),
We just wanted to drop a quick note to say: congratulations!
You’ve managed to do what few media outlets could—become the punchline of both left- and right-wing political jokes while still somehow believing you’re the adult in the room.
That’s a real talent.
Like managing to trip over your own shoelaces while standing still.
We’ve been watching (not by choice, mind you—your coverage just seems to play in airports like a virus) as you’ve gone from scorning Donald Trump’s economic metrics during his first term, to suddenly pretending they’re indicators of strength when trying to frame them against him the second time around.
It’s wild.
In 2018, when GDP growth hit 3%, unemployment reached record lows across all racial demographics, and consumer confidence skyrocketed—you called it “misleading,” “artificial,” and “unsustainable.”
Now? The same numbers under a different suit suddenly become “proof of a resilient economy.”
You don’t report the news—you mood-swing your way through it depending on who’s holding the pen in the Oval Office.
And can we talk about fear-mongering for a second?
You’ve practically made it a department. If there’s a storm, you’re already waist-deep in flood water for a dramatic live shot, even if the cameraman is standing on dry pavement. If there’s an election, it’s a “threat to democracy.” If Trump sneezes, it’s a five-panel discussion on whether fascism has returned to the Western Hemisphere.
You guys don’t run a newsroom—you run a panic button with a graphics team.
And let’s not even start on your “accuracy” record.
The Covington kids’ debacle? Fake.
The Russian bounties story? Oops.
The Steele dossier coverage? Whoops again.
The lab leak theory that was once a “dangerous conspiracy”? Now just quietly accepted as likely.
At this point, your fact-checkers are basically professional retraction writers.
Yet you still parade around as if you’re the gold standard of journalism while behaving like a cross between a drama club and a marketing firm for whichever party you’re favoring that month (spoiler: it’s not the one with an elephant on the logo).
You claim to “hold power to account,” yet spent years carrying water for an administration that thought inflation was “transitory,” tried redefining recession, and needed cue cards to remember which direction to walk off a stage.
The only thing you hold accountable is your dwindling audience, by making them suffer through Don Lemon’s tragic descent into irrelevance before you finally showed him the door.
So, here’s an idea: next time you want to be taken seriously, maybe try actually reporting the news instead of narrating a fantasy you wish were true. Ditch the scripted outrage, tone down the fear porn, and maybe—just maybe—journalism might stop rolling over in its grave every time you go to commercial break.
Sincerely Savage,
Someone Who Reads, Remembers, and Respects Actual Journalism
P.S. If you need a breaking news headline for this letter, feel free to run with: “American Public Writes Scathing Truth—CNN Labels It Disinformation.” You’re welcome.
Legal Disclaimer: The following letter is a work of satire and comedy. All names, events, and scenarios are fictionalized for humorous purposes and are not intended to be taken as factual statements.
