Episode Notes
This is our letter to the U.S. Dept. of Education. We hope that you find the comical satire in our letters and stay tuned for more letters to come.
Legal Disclaimer: The following letter is a work of satire and comedy. All names, events, and scenarios are fictionalized for humorous purposes and are not intended to be taken as factual statements.
READ THE LETTER – EPISODE 11 – Dear U.S. Dept. of Education
Dear U.S. Department of Education,
Congratulations.
You’ve officially managed to spend hundreds of billions of dollars a year and still produce high school graduates who can’t locate Canada on a map but can tell you their classmates’ pronouns by memory.
Impressive.
Since your grand debut in 1980, you’ve received more money than some small countries’ entire GDP. And what do we have to show for it? A nation where kids graduate thinking the Civil War was about climate change and that the First Amendment has a trigger warning.
Let’s talk results:
- We rank near the bottom in math and reading among developed nations.
- Our national average SAT scores have plummeted harder than CNN’s ratings.
- And in some districts, not a single student is proficient in basic reading or math.
But yes, please—by all means—spend another $700 billion updating equity training materials and diversity posters.
Oh, and thank you for preparing students for real life by teaching them how to organize protests, identify microaggressions, and distrust their own country… but not how to do taxes, balance a checkbook, or understand a loan agreement.
Helpful stuff.
And let’s not forget the crown jewel: student loans.
You encouraged millions of teenagers to take out six-figure debt for degrees in things like 14th-century feminist pottery, then stood shocked when they couldn’t pay it back working part-time at Starbucks with a blue hair streak and an English degree.
But hey—now we’re forgiving it all, so I guess you’re off the hook for financial literacy, too.
Also, real question: Why is it that every time a teacher asks for school supplies, they have to do a fundraiser on GoFundMe… while you’re sitting on a $90 billion annual budget? What’s that money even going to—gender theory textbooks and consultants who haven’t seen the inside of a classroom since Bush was in office?
Look, we’re not saying the Department of Education should be disbanded…
Actually, wait—yes. We are. Because if education outcomes have gone down while your budgets have gone up, that’s not a department.
That’s a pyramid scheme with PowerPoint slides.
In short, thanks for turning what used to be a nation of problem-solvers, inventors, and innovators into a society of overly medicated test-takers who panic when the Wi-Fi goes out.
Sincerely Savage,
A Nation Who Just Wanted Kids to Learn Reading, Writing, and Arithmetic—Not How to Cry During History Class
P.S. If you’re wondering where the kids are learning common sense these days… It’s YouTube. From dudes with beards and microphones. Think about that.
Legal Disclaimer: The following letter is a work of satire and comedy. All names, events, and scenarios are fictionalized for humorous purposes and are not intended to be taken as factual statements.
