Episode Notes
This is our letter to the Founding Fathers. We hope that you find the comical satire in our letters and stay tuned for more letters to come.
Legal Disclaimer: The following letter is a work of satire and comedy. All names, events, and scenarios are fictionalized for humorous purposes and are not intended to be taken as factual statements.
READ THE LETTER – EPISODE 10 – Dear Founding Fathers
Dear Founding Fathers,
We just wanted to send a quick note from the year 2025 to say:
Our bad.
When you wrote “We the People,” we’re pretty sure you weren’t imagining TikTok challenges, emotional support water bottles, and 37 genders being debated by people who can’t define “republic.” But here we are.
Let’s start with the Constitution. You guys carefully crafted this beautiful framework of checks, balances, and limited government—and we turned it into a choose-your-own-adventure pamphlet that no one in D.C. has read since the internet was invented.
James Madison would be screaming into a quill.
George Washington—remember how you warned us about political parties?
Well, now we’ve got two of them, and both think you would be on their side. One party cries when you say “1776,” the other cries when you say “universal healthcare.” Either way, everyone’s offended.
Oh, and Thomas Jefferson—thanks for the whole “liberty and limited government” thing. These days, we need a government permit to catch rainwater, own a chicken, or open a lemonade stand. But good news: weed’s legal in half the country and men can compete in women’s sports. So… progress?
Alexander Hamilton, you’d be thrilled to know that the financial system you helped build now runs on memes, crypto, and credit scores lower than the national IQ. Also, we put your face on money—and then tried to cancel you for owning slaves.
We’re a little confused, too.
And to the whole crew: that “freedom of speech” thing?
Yeah… turns out it now comes with community guidelines, content moderation bots, and a chance to be banned if you say anything mildly spicy. But don’t worry—you can still post feet pics and conspiracy theories. That’s sacred ground.
Also, side note: we’re still being taxed to death. Only now we get 87,000 new IRS agents, 8,000 pages of tax code, and no representation—unless you count people who wear rainbow suits to Congress and think TikTok analytics count as “policy data.”
Lastly, Benjamin Franklin—you once said, “Those who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither.”
We took that quote, put it on Instagram with a filter, and then proceeded to hand over our privacy to tech companies in exchange for dog videos and dopamine hits.
So again: our bad.
Anyway, thanks for trying. You gave us a republic.
We just can’t seem to keep it without turning it into a circus.
Sincerely Savage,
The Nation That Can’t Agree on What a Woman Is, But Can Build 85 Genders and a New IRS Form Before Lunch
P.S. If reincarnation exists—don’t come back. We’d probably cancel you for microaggressions.
Legal Disclaimer: The following letter is a work of satire and comedy. All names, events, and scenarios are fictionalized for humorous purposes and are not intended to be taken as factual statements.
